I will never forget the day that Landon Strong became my first crush. 1st grade. I was in Mrs. Pectol & Mrs. Bakers class. Every Friday at Bluffridge Elementary cotton candy and sugar sticks were sold for $1.00 after lunch in the hall behind the cafeteria. I had bought my little brother, who was still in pre-school, some blue cotton candy. It was his favorite. After lunch I put the treat in my locker. A few hours later the bell rang for school to get out. As I walked to my locker I saw Landon open my locker and start eating the cotton candy. I was so upset. Not that he was stealing from me, but that my brother wasn't going to be able to eat it for his after school snack. I saw Landon's goofy boyish smile and big brown eyes and immediately I could care less if he had just stolen all of my money, let alone my brothers cotton candy. Landon ended up being my elementary boyfriend. Meaning we "liked each other". But really he was my best friend. One day in the third grade we were playing tag in the field. I was "it" and he decided to duck to the ground seconds before I tagged him. I did a front flip over him and separated my shoulder and broke my left collar bone. We still to this day joke that he broke my shoulder.
In the start of my 6th grade year my mom got pregnant with my youngest brother, Grady. I knew before she told us about the pregnancy that she was going to have another baby. I can't put the feelings into words, but I just knew. I told my best friend, Sadie Wagstaff, a few months before that my mom was going to have another baby. She believed me, but couldn't figure out how I was so sure of it. It was just a feeling. It was the start of many feelings in my life.
I asked my mom one day if she was planning on having more kids. She laughed at me and simply replied, "Bailee. You are 11 years old. Zac is 8. We aren't going to have another baby. It's just not logical. And we are happy." She was (unknowingly) pregnant at the time she told me that. It was family tradition that before a new Harry Potter movie came out we would go downstairs and watch the previous movie on our large television. We did this to remember what happened in the last part of Harry's story. My mother and I were avid fans of J.K. Rowlings books and had read the series 3 times together. We mainly rewatched the movies for my father. Considering he spent the entire 2 1/2 hours on his phone or sleeping, he didn't pay too much attention. Still, it was a favorite tradition of mine. The night before the 4th Harry Potter movie came out my mother announced that she would be having another baby. Zac and I were thrilled! I loved children and couldn't wait to have another sibling. But I was selfish and self-centered. I didn't want another sibling to love and create a beautiful bond and friendship with. I wanted another sibling in hopes that the baby would be more like me than Zachary was.
Zac and I are as similar as the sun and the moon. I was always fire and outgoing. With a bold personality along with my high energy, you couldn't miss me. He was quiet. Always lurking in my shadow wishing he wasn't born with the genetics he received. I realize that my brother was jealous of me. I can now honestly say that I have empathy for him. I was always the favorite. From the beginning my fathers parents claimed that I got my "good looking genes from them" and his from my mothers side. Zac was always an angry child. He wanted everything his way. So did I. The difference between us was that I was willing to work for it. Always giving 100% in everything I did, I achieved my goals. I was a 4.0 student, ranking top 10% academically on the national level. I took 1st place school, district, and region science fair two years in a row. I was voted as a student body officer for two years in junior high and was Vice President of the service club. I was a nationally ranked dancer. Receiving many scholarships and awards and always on the highest team of my company. I worked hard. I studied hard. I am black and white, square or round, soft or smooth. I am 0 or 100. There are no in betweens in my life. No grey areas. All Zachary is made of is grey. The at the age of 15 his maturity level was at an 8. His physical level was at a 10. I've always known that he was different. But I didn't know why. I still don't have the answers. But I know he is a special boy with more trials than are shown on the outside. He is an outcast and is socially awkward. But he desperately craves love and attention. He clings to everyone that tries to get close to him, but then he gets scared and pushes them away. My mother taught us to be independent. And he tries. He tries so hard, but he simply can't handle it all on his own.
I am ashamed to say that I was once embarrassed by my younger brother. Not just "oh he's so annoying! I only want to hangout with my friends alone" embarrassed. I mean that I would tell people he was adopted so nobody thought we had the same genes. Who does that? What kind of sister would blatantly lie about her own flesh and blood simply because of looks or immaturity? Me. I am that horrible person. I wanted to have a different sibling. One that would be more like me. Athletic and smart like I was. Somebody that my dad would be proud of like he was proud of me. Somebody that I was more compatible with.
Zac needed me. I could have been a light for him. Someone he could turn to when he needed to talk, to cry, or just to play with. But I teased him. I made his self esteem lower. I take full responsibility for my actions and causing my little brother to turn out how he has; Broken.
My mothers pregnancy went smoothly. Swollen feet and weight gain, the normal pregnancy side affects. Her due date was February 17th, 2008. On Saturday, February 8, 2008, mom gave birth to my youngest brother, Grady Lane Barnard. At 6 pounds he was so small and precious. He looked like me and I was thrilled. He had long beautiful lashes and strawberry blonde hair. On Saturday, February 8th, 2008, my little brother Grady passed away.
Did I know him personally? No. But he touched my spirit in a way that I cannot put into words. The only way I can describe my relationship with Grady is a comparison to the relationship I have with my Savior. I know who he is. I love him. I know that I will see him again one day and learn more about the perfect soul and spirit that I get to call my brother. He is perfect. I can't wait to meet him.
If you ask my dad what the hardest thing that he has ever had to endure, he would answer, "losing my son." Laying Grady to rest in a tiny blue casket was the hardest thing that my dad has ever done. Anyone that is close to my father will tell you that he never was the same after that day. He lost 40 pounds in 6 weeks. Started heavily medicating with antidepressants and sleeping aids. I would later find out that it wasn't just prescription medications, but illegal drug usage as well.
Zac was devastated. He wanted so badly to be a big brother and to be given some responsibility. He wanted someone to look up to him like he looked up to me.
My mom stayed strong in front of us. Only when she would take a shower in the early mornings or late nights would I hear her soft cries. She never wanted us to fall apart. I know how badly my mother yearned to save her marriage and her family as a whole. She was promised an eternal family. She held up her side of the bargain, my dad didn't.
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