I met my best friend in junior high school. We were both student body officers at Legacy Junior High. The new middle school that opened up less than 2 miles from my house in Syracuse, Utah. During our officer camp in June of 2009 all of the girls began talking about boys and who we were "dating" at the time. When a few of the girls happened to say the same boy that I had been seeing, we all realized that we were being played. Good ole Spencer Johnson ;) lol. I laugh now because he has now become one of my very best friends, but at the time, we were all heartbroken. In my mind I thought, "Wait.. so my first kiss isn't going to be my one and only first kiss?! We aren't going to get married and live happily ever after like he promised?! Teenage heartbreak is a real thing!?"
Jaycee Lynn Brown became my person that summer. She is still my person to this day. I am comfortable enough with her to tell her all of my secrets, and she knows me well enough to call me before I know when something is wrong. Her being the Christina Yang of our real life twisted sister story, (if you haven't seen Greys Anatomy then bye) she is factual). She has a logistic answer for every question. A purpose for living. An explanation for everything. She is prominent and punctual. Focused, and a perfect example of what every mother and father would want their daughter to become. Her goals are set farther than the stars and I know she will accomplish much more than that. All while having fun along the journey. I am the Meredith Grey in the story. Dark and twisty. Extremely emotional, and at some point in time, I was dangerous. Jaycee has always made me hold my ground. Never allowing me to slip through the cracks. No matter how may times I fell, she always caught me. She is my crutch when I need her, which has been too many times to count. To this day she remains one of the few friends that has always stood by my side. No matter how far I distance myself from the world, she always makes sure to find me. She always finds a way to bring me back, no matter how long it takes. Don't get me wrong, she is relentless; firm yet forgiving. She reminds me that running isn't the answer. I wonder if I will ever learn...
I found myself falling into an affair with vanity. I was growing into a young woman and people were noticing. More importantly to me, boys were noticing. In elementary school the boys were always my best friends. In junior high nothing changed. Besides the handful of girls that I consider sister, the girls usually didn't like me. My mom used to tell me it was jealousy. Although, I've never understood that. Every girl I have ever been jealous of has motivated me to be better. Act differently or look differently. Get closer to her and find out exactly why that little green monster was creeping into my thoughts. I made my first Facebook account when I was a freshman. I has thousands, yes thousands, of friends on the social media site in a few months. By a year of activating my account I had hit the 5,000 friend limit. I would accept any friend request that was sent my way. I was constantly receiving message and comments from strange guys that I didn't know. I loved it! They. Wanted. Me. I was wanted. They thought I was attractive and interesting. I craved it. Their desire, everything about it. It was so immature of me, to want such superficial social life. But that's who I became. And I would be lying if I said that isn't still who I am today. I wanted to loved the way i looked. But I have never been comfortable in my own skin. You wouldn't think that if you met me. I portray confidence that most women only wish they had. Confidence that I wish I had. In all honestly, I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I was acting even more. I wanted to be the fun loving girl that I once was. The kind of girl that everyone looked up to. The girl who used to smile honestly and carelessly, instead of the girl who now only knew how to smirk. That was only the beginning of what was to become a long path of hating myself and who I was becoming. I started to lose myself; I started to fall.
xB
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