I see you've found a new girl to show around the city. This time it must be different than the other ones... she's met your family and our friends. It's not a fling or a weekend sleepover. That means there must have been a 2nd date. Which is unusual for you. She must be something special, because you only date the special ones. I should know, I was one of them. I was the first. The girl that stole your heart, only to have you break mine in return. Your first love, your "forever baby". But forever quickly turned to never. And you've found yourself a new baby. But,
did you tell your new girl about me?
Did you tell her about our first night together? How we stayed up till dawn and talked about everything under the moon? Or what about the time that we hopped the fence and broke into the freezing pool? Did you tell her how you used to love when I would kiss your shoulder blades? Does she know that you don't like to cuddle when you are sleeping, but yet you always wanted to be touching me somehow. Has she found out that you can cook one meal, and one meal only? Does she know what size you wear in everything and every brand like I do? Does she know that you take hazelnut creamer with your coffee? Did you tell her that you bought me a ring? What about the first time you told me you loved me? How you looked me in the eyes and couldn't get the words out because you were so nervous. That I was your first love? Or how our desire for each other was sometimes almost too much. Did you tell her that you were with other women while I was just down the street? Does she know that you are the most amazing liar? Did you tell her that you shattered my world? But,
did you tell your new girl about me?
xB
A beautiful little fool
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
-Chapter 1-
I haven't always been the sad girl. The lonely, troglodytic, renounced person that nobody wants to be around. But I changed 7 years ago.
I grew accustomed to living in the depths of rock bottom. This is my story thus far. From the start... to what I hope for in the future. I am writing my raw life. My naked soul. Every detail and stitch that has sown me into the woman I am becoming.
I once had a picture perfect life. I was the "it girl". The "queen B". Not to be vaunt, but I was. And I was always happy. Bubbly even. I'm told I use to have the kind of laugh that made you laugh. With a light in my green eyes, I was the girl you wanted to take home to meet your mother. I now look in the mirror and often can't recognize the person before me. I see distant grey eyes that no longer sparkle and I hear only forced laughter; I have become the side girl that you sneak into your house after dark.
I had loving parents who adored me. Whatever I desired, was mine. I have competed in dance competitions and pageants since I could walk. I loved being in the spotlight. I loved being on stage. I've known since I was young that people were attracted to me. Whether it be my looks or personality, I was use to being the center of attention. When I was almost 3 my little brother, Zachary, was born. Having bright red hair, fair skin, and freckles, he was my polar opposite. He would grow to resent me at a very young age.
My mother, coming from a poor family, did everything in her power to provide for my family and me. She grew up in a small town in Idaho so we would visit her family frequently. I loved being with them. I had so many cousins of varies ages, making every trip exciting. I became especially close to my mothers sister, Lisa, and her two children Chase and Kinnley, whom I would end up living with later on in life. She was a hard worker. Working a full time job since the age of 16 and for many years two full time jobs. She became a high school teacher. Starting her career at Murray High school, then continuing at Northridge, and finishing at Syracuse High. She was an amazing business teacher. Majoring in accounting and business law, she was incredible with the students. She received many accolades for her high achievements as both a teacher and a mentor. Two years in a row her FBLA (Future Business Leaders of America) team took 1st place at Nationals in Chicago, Illinois. My mother was the most amazing teacher, friend, mom, leader, and person that I have ever met.
My father on the other hand, jumped from job to job. Never remaining consistent with anything in his life. From employment and friendships, to his lifestyle choices. To be blunt, he was lazy. Constantly demanding things to be done for him, but always taking the credit. He always told me to be a "giver" not a "taker", but I feel as though he was speaking as a hypocrite. But my father was my very best friend. I was witty like he was and I always wanted to make him proud. I still do.
My parents seemed happy. Our days as a family were always busy. I danced 20+ hours a week, Zac, mom, and I were in school every day, and dad usually didn't get home until late. But we made sure that every holiday, birthday, and weekend we enjoyed extra time together. Between going swimming in the summers, to golfing, or going to a movie, it was always a fun time.
I lived in my happy, blissful, bubble of ignorance until I was in 6th grade. Never believing that I would have to endure a "trial" in my life. I had dreams of becoming a dancer in LA, or pursing a degree in the medical field. I loved my friends and loved playing night games on Fridays. My family was perfect, my life was perfect, and I didn't think there was anything that could change my happiness.
xB
I haven't always been the sad girl. The lonely, troglodytic, renounced person that nobody wants to be around. But I changed 7 years ago.
I grew accustomed to living in the depths of rock bottom. This is my story thus far. From the start... to what I hope for in the future. I am writing my raw life. My naked soul. Every detail and stitch that has sown me into the woman I am becoming.
I once had a picture perfect life. I was the "it girl". The "queen B". Not to be vaunt, but I was. And I was always happy. Bubbly even. I'm told I use to have the kind of laugh that made you laugh. With a light in my green eyes, I was the girl you wanted to take home to meet your mother. I now look in the mirror and often can't recognize the person before me. I see distant grey eyes that no longer sparkle and I hear only forced laughter; I have become the side girl that you sneak into your house after dark.
I had loving parents who adored me. Whatever I desired, was mine. I have competed in dance competitions and pageants since I could walk. I loved being in the spotlight. I loved being on stage. I've known since I was young that people were attracted to me. Whether it be my looks or personality, I was use to being the center of attention. When I was almost 3 my little brother, Zachary, was born. Having bright red hair, fair skin, and freckles, he was my polar opposite. He would grow to resent me at a very young age.
My mother, coming from a poor family, did everything in her power to provide for my family and me. She grew up in a small town in Idaho so we would visit her family frequently. I loved being with them. I had so many cousins of varies ages, making every trip exciting. I became especially close to my mothers sister, Lisa, and her two children Chase and Kinnley, whom I would end up living with later on in life. She was a hard worker. Working a full time job since the age of 16 and for many years two full time jobs. She became a high school teacher. Starting her career at Murray High school, then continuing at Northridge, and finishing at Syracuse High. She was an amazing business teacher. Majoring in accounting and business law, she was incredible with the students. She received many accolades for her high achievements as both a teacher and a mentor. Two years in a row her FBLA (Future Business Leaders of America) team took 1st place at Nationals in Chicago, Illinois. My mother was the most amazing teacher, friend, mom, leader, and person that I have ever met.
My father on the other hand, jumped from job to job. Never remaining consistent with anything in his life. From employment and friendships, to his lifestyle choices. To be blunt, he was lazy. Constantly demanding things to be done for him, but always taking the credit. He always told me to be a "giver" not a "taker", but I feel as though he was speaking as a hypocrite. But my father was my very best friend. I was witty like he was and I always wanted to make him proud. I still do.
My parents seemed happy. Our days as a family were always busy. I danced 20+ hours a week, Zac, mom, and I were in school every day, and dad usually didn't get home until late. But we made sure that every holiday, birthday, and weekend we enjoyed extra time together. Between going swimming in the summers, to golfing, or going to a movie, it was always a fun time.
I lived in my happy, blissful, bubble of ignorance until I was in 6th grade. Never believing that I would have to endure a "trial" in my life. I had dreams of becoming a dancer in LA, or pursing a degree in the medical field. I loved my friends and loved playing night games on Fridays. My family was perfect, my life was perfect, and I didn't think there was anything that could change my happiness.
xB
one whole year.
Saturday, June 11, 2016
It's been three hundred and sixty five days of not calling you mine. Without hearing those three little words and feeling your strong arms. One whole year of missing you.
Even though you may not be my forever, right now my heart still belongs to you. I still cry when something reminds me of us. I have to change the song on the radio when Florida Georgia Line comes on. I avoid driving past your parents because I know I will break down. I've watched you this past year through pictures and '140 characters or less' tweets. But not a day has gone by that I haven't missed you. Missed us. Missed what once was.
I went to unblock your number yesterday.. and then I realized I never blocked it in the first place. My heart sank. This entire year I thought the reason I hadn't heard from you was because your number was blocked. Not because you hadn't even bothered to call. I guess you never reached out to me. I guess I never was worth fighting for.
Sometimes I think that maybe you are still the one. Yes, I've changed and you've changed... but maybe someday it will be us again. You always said that timing is everything. I just don't think it was our time. A part of me thinks that you will always be the one for me. With your contagious laugh and consistency for always making me smile. Your awful dance moves and adorable tune deaf voice.
I dream of the day our paths cross again and we find out way back to each others arms. But for now, here's to one whole year of missing you, my love.
xB
Even though you may not be my forever, right now my heart still belongs to you. I still cry when something reminds me of us. I have to change the song on the radio when Florida Georgia Line comes on. I avoid driving past your parents because I know I will break down. I've watched you this past year through pictures and '140 characters or less' tweets. But not a day has gone by that I haven't missed you. Missed us. Missed what once was.
I went to unblock your number yesterday.. and then I realized I never blocked it in the first place. My heart sank. This entire year I thought the reason I hadn't heard from you was because your number was blocked. Not because you hadn't even bothered to call. I guess you never reached out to me. I guess I never was worth fighting for.
Sometimes I think that maybe you are still the one. Yes, I've changed and you've changed... but maybe someday it will be us again. You always said that timing is everything. I just don't think it was our time. A part of me thinks that you will always be the one for me. With your contagious laugh and consistency for always making me smile. Your awful dance moves and adorable tune deaf voice.
I dream of the day our paths cross again and we find out way back to each others arms. But for now, here's to one whole year of missing you, my love.
xB
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